I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
