He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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