the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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