Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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