Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
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i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
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You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.