I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?