he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???