No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store