I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
