I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
