just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
