dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I pour the whiskey from now on
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
