Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
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In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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