I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
