Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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