im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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