I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
