So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
