Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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