my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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