I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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