On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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