take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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