I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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