my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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