i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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