At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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