I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
