New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
