my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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