Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
