I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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