My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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