the condom got lost in my hair
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
