I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
