Farmville is her only friend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
