Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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