You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
