oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
