how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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