I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
