This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
