I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
