So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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