he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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