this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
