omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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