Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
