false alarm. still invincible.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
