just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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