I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
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I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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