My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You ruined the universe
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
