i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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