you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You are a genius and a whore.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
