So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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