Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
