After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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