I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
