You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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