I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
