She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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