he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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